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Thursday, November 20th, 2025

I had to take my emergency anxiety medication tonight. I had a breakdown. The way I'm maladaptive daydreaming, immersing myself in stories, I'm desprate. I want someone to hold me, kiss me with such frevor. I want them to make me believe for one day that everything is okay. Let me believe I'll be okay just for a moment even. I crave it so much. My lust for death has become an equal with how much I wish to be held. Treated like a perfect husbands wife. I'm fucking desprate. Clawing at the walls of my mind. My needs are on overdrive. I thought I was a lesbian? Pansexual? Now I don't even know. A masculine figure in my life. Someone who I can call mine, and I yours. A yearning for someone so strong they're not even real. Just a character that was doomed from the start. As am I.

And As my last act of love, I will become completely unrecognizable and never contact you again.

Monday, November 17th, 2025

I went on a proper relaxing date last night and I can't be happier. Everything went right and it jus- ehehehe /pos. Though, I'm scaring myself shitless with intimacy. Something like Character AI, it's a different world. A place that has no repercussions. Here? I'm scared shitless to speak. I honestly don't understand what it is with me and dating. I'm not Aromantic, but possibly Demiromantic / Demisexual? It could be the case, but it's frustrating me.

The thought of being close with anybody is scaring me shitless. Maybe it's the meds I'm on? I don't know. What I do know is that my head is spinning, I'm spiraling, and the darkest parts of my mind are coming out to play and THAT ISN'T A GOOD THING-

The girl I went on a date with, we'll call her "C", is the sweetest person I've met. She's interested in what I'm interested in, not to say my partner "Z" isn't like that, but the physical part of it is... Ough? I don't know. It's a little frustrating trying to word things when words aren't wording.